How to make mono-poly relationships work

By Pamela Peters (Learn more about how I support couples and polycules in their polyamory/open relationship journey here.)

Perhaps you or your partner is interested in opening up your relationship, but the other person has no interest in this at all. You may feel like you are at an stalemate. You love your partner and want to continue the relationship. But you’re not sure you can ever find a compromise to this dilemma. In the ever-changing relationship landscape, various structures continue to emerge. One such non-traditional relationship model that relates to your dilemma is the mono-polyam or mono-poly relationship. One partner identifies with monogamy while the other embraces polyamory or consensual non-monogamy. While you may think that this sounds impossible, (and it can be a balancing act), these relationships can thrive with open communication, shared values, and a commitment to personal growth. If you and your partner are in this boat, this post is for you.

Understanding mono-poly relationships

In a mono-poly relationship one person practices monogamy while the other partner identifies as polyamorous and desires to have more than one partner at the same time. Does this sound familiar? The keys to making this dynamic work lie in the ability of both partners being well-differentiated, their ability to communicate effectively, understand each other's needs, and process the differences together as well as their commitment to one another.

Shared values and differentiated (independent) individuals

For a mono-poly relationship to be successful, you and your partner must be well-differentiated individuals with shared values. In the world of psychology and mental health, differentiation refers to the ability of someone to maintain their sense of self while remaining emotionally connected to their partner(s). Differentiated individuals can respect each other's choices and perspectives, even if they are not identical. These individuals have done their own self reflection and truly understanding themselves. If this is not the case, individual therapy can help you and your partner work toward differentiation. Differentiation is an important aspect of everyone growing up and becoming an independent human in the world.

In addition to differentiation, people with shared values have common ground on which their relationships can grow. Most likely if you and your partner have been together for any amount of time, you have found these shared core values.  This translates into mutual understanding of boundaries, expectations, and the commitment to work through challenges together.

Deep listening and effective communication

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, successful communication is at the heart of any relationship. This especially holds true for mono-polyam relationships. Deep listening is a skill that involves actively hearing and understanding your partner(s). You and your partner must learn to create a safe space where you both feel heard and valued, fostering an environment of trust and emotional connection.

During your discussions about desires, boundaries, and relationship structures, deep listening allows you each to express yourselves without judgment. It’s essential that you both embrace vulnerability and be open to open to understanding each other’s perspectives. This kind of communication can help you build a foundation of trust which helps prevent misunderstandings in mono-poly relationships.

Exploring cultural beliefs and growth edges

For you and your partner to create a thriving mono-polyam relationship, you will want to engage in a deep exploration of your cultural beliefs and growth edges or areas that might be challenging. Cultural beliefs as well as family viewpoints influence perspectives on relationships, love, and commitment. By understanding and discussing these beliefs openly, you and your partner can navigate potential conflicts that may arise due to societal/family expectations or cultural differences.

Growth edges refer to the areas in you can evolve and develop personally. Your growth edges are places you feel challenged. Growth happens when you dive into challenge and push your edges toward discomfort. If considering a mono-polyam relationship, you and your partner may discover growth edges related to jealousy, insecurity, fear of abandonment and others. Processing these challenges with empathy and patience allows you both to support each other's personal development, fostering a relationship that embraces growth and change.

Emotional intelligence and the ability to stretch your growth edges

Being in a mono-poly relationship requires that you be willing to work to attain a higher level of emotional intelligence. You and your partner must be in touch with your emotions and have the ability to stretch beyond your comfort zones. The ability to stretch your emotional muscles will allow you and your partner to adapt to the challenges presented by a non-traditional relationship structure. It involves acknowledging and understanding your emotional responses, communicating these feelings to your partner, and working together to find solutions that benefit you both.

Navigating impasses*

In any relationship, impasses or difficult dilemmas are inevitable. These are moments when your differences become apparent, and finding common ground seems challenging. The mere the act of considering mono-poly at all might create the ultimate impasse.

It’s important to slow things down during this time, allowing you both to reflect on your feelings and perspectives. Normalizing discomfort is essential; growth often comes from embracing the discomfort of the unknown. Instead of rushing into decisions, consider trying mono-poly out as an experiment for a time, knowing you have the option to end it if it doesn't work. Allowing you both to see the other is willing to compromise, might just be what you both need to move ahead. The polyamorous partner may need to work to create more secure attachment and connection with their primary partner. The monogamous partner may need to identify small steps they feel comfortable with their poly partner taking while attempting the experiment.

Conclusion

A mono-poly relationship may or may not be something that works for you and your partner. It may take time to begin the process of listening, reflecting and determining whether this is something you both want.

If you and your partner need help navigating the many challenges you encounter while exploring the idea of mono-poly, reach out to learn how I may be able to support your process. Contact Pamela Peters for a consultation.

* Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists by Martha Kauppi